The Weight of Wings

wings

Lately I have been toying with the idea of quitting. This is not a new idea to me, I have been known to quit before. I never looked at it as quitting, you see, when you make excuses for WHY you quit, then it seems logical… I know, it’s still quitting, but not always the same to me. So, that brings me to the thought of quitting now…just what am I thinking about? Well, since we moved, back in March, things have gone from crap to crappier…and yes, I realize that isn’t really the correct term, but it’s the PG version and better than what is in my head. I want to quit EVERYTHING. Let me break it down for you; after moving, struggling with one financial windfall after another, and then being laid off…I decided it was time to focus on the things that I am good at, make something of that. Here is how my situation currently looks, I have gained 10 pounds trying to eat healthier, but cheating constantly, because Ketogenic diets {suck} are really hard. I have had a flare up with my skin cancer, AND broken out in to some crazy weird new condition, where I itch uncontrollably, get crazy welts, then get better, then itch again (did I mention, I was laid off and have no insurance?)  I have killed more baby chicks than I have hatched due to not really knowing how to do this whole incubating eggs thing correctly. I have lied to myself and others and failed to show up to work out when I said I would because you know, I’m SO busy. My marriage, well, it’s been an uphill climb for as long as I can remember, as a lot of marriages are, however, lately mine has felt like it’s uphill on an icy slope, while I’m wearing flip flops… Bills are stacking up, dishes stack up, laundry stacks up, chicken poop stacks up, and dog hair stacks up….what is NOT stacking up is me. I just don’t even. This is not me. I don’t ever not even, I’m a pick it up and put on your big girl britches and get it done. But lately, lately, I just don’t care. I’m tired. I want a break. I want God to give me a break. I’m getting kind of angry, and resentful. I’m a daughter of the one true King, I know who my Daddy is, I thank Him every morning for the mercies of a new day, and the beautiful people HE entrusted me with, but oh my gosh. I just NEED a little break. I have been on my knees, I have put every single ounce of every single bit of my soul into knowing that His plans are for me, not against me, does that mean I have to hit like middle of the Earth rock bottom? And does, this ranting and complaining mean that I don’t trust enough? I’m just so lost.

I have been reading, 5 Habits of A Woman Who Doesn’t Quit, thank God, I started it when I did, because I’m pretty sure, I may have ran screaming into the woods at some point if I hadn’t. In it, the author Nicki Koziarz, references the story of Ruth. I have spent many a morning, dwelling there, considering Ruth and Naomi’s situation, how it was handled, how long they were there  (which we don’t really know), how they didn’t lose faith. Man, I’m pretty sure I would not have been as patient as Ruth was, not with Naomi, or with Boaz, I would have definitely screwed it up and most likely changed my whole course of history. So that leads me to where I am currently, how do you know that you haven’t already altered God’s plan for you? What if I missed the big DETOUR sign a long time ago and I’m just wandering down some crazy, weed infested, overgrown path that leads straight off a cliff into the middle of nothing? Emma and I also watched Joy yesterday, again, someone else who just would NOT quit. I feel like these are all “signs” I’m being told to keep on keeping on…things will turn out the way they should, but man it is hard. So, so hard. I know there will be treasures in this trial, and that those treasures may be covered in soot and tarnished and that its most likely going to take quite a bit of work on my end to clean them up and discover the beauty that they will be…

Social media is a funny thing, we often look in from the outside at other people’s lives and think, man their grass is GREEN, so deceiving, we all have brown patches, some of us have whole giant yards of burnt dead grass, ashes where green should be growing, and it so easy to make beauty out of the ashes, to carry so, so much weight on your shoulders and make it look like a pair of wings, but I’m here to tell you, these wings are heavy. Incredibly heavy. I keep waking up and unfolding them and trusting in the fact that someday, they will become lighter and lighter and eventually I will have the strength to open them up and fly…but for now, I’m just doing good to put both feet on the floor.

This morning was a start, I went and worked out, made it through a rather grueling WOD and wanted to quit so bad. I didn’t. I made it through and I feel better because I did. I need to remember that, in all situations, the reward for not quitting feels so much better than the failure of stopping.  Just like Ruth, I need to get my butt up every morning with the determination that she did, do the things that maybe I don’t necessarily want to do, but know that by doing them I am one step closer to the treasure.

Prayer:

Father, I know that I often pray for things that you might not be ready to show me. I also realize that I need to trust you more and accept that your plans are good and that there are treasures to come from these trials. God, please help me find peace and contentment in the place I am currently in, protect my family and guide me in the direction that you have chosen for me, lead me not along the wrong path, lighten the burdens that are currently weighing on the shoulders of myself and my husband and remind us that through it all we must love one another.

 

Advertisements