Everyday I read blog posts and articles about how “life is hard, but we can do it” or “find the good in the bad” ect…And I read these, I absorb them, I take these writers words to heart…I feel them, and breathe and live them. I convince myself that life is supposed to be hard, but through all of these challenges, I am supposed to get stronger and more knowledgeable. I wouldn’t say that I have had a particularly difficult life, but I will say that I’m pretty sure I should have a suit of armor, a cape and a magic wand by now. I could make superwoman look like a girl scout. So I want to take a second and just vent. Because really, life can be hard and it isn’t as easy as just saying “fiddle dee dee, I will worry about this tomorrow”, or “God’s got this” because sometimes, God is working on someone else’s problems and maybe he doesn’t really “got” yours yet.
At 41 years old, I am no where near where I thought I would be at 21. I feel like I’m too old to be figuring this all out, but too young to stop trying. I see my life going by so fast, especially as I watch my kids growing up. The new app TimeHop, freaks me out. As in, I can’t even look at it somedays. I open it up and BAM! 1 year ago I was hanging out with Riley while he was sick at home. 2 years ago, I was daydreaming about a 40th birthday in Italy (which by the way was definitely just a dream), 3 years ago, I became obsessed with Georgia Pelligrini and cooking and was thinking of trying squirrel, which I didn’t (thank goodness), 4 years ago, I was helping Emma sell 160 boxes of Girl Scout cookies (is it bad that I just threw out those boxes of cookies like last month…we bought way more than we could eat) and FIVE years ago, I was coming home from a cheer competition with Emma. All of those things seem like just yesterday. I’m telling you, 5 years…FIVE WHOLE years flew by. Flew by so fast that I’m not even sure I knew it.
Every year in January, I wake up and reflect on where I am, where I’ve been, what I have to look forward to. I’ve been known to sink into a deep, dark, sad place during this time. Moping about what I don’t have. I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m content. By that, I mean, I’m content with who I am. However, I am not content with where I am. I do want more. However, I don’t feel entitled to more, I work hard for what I earn. Ask my friends, I will do whatever it takes whenever it takes to help my family get by. Whether it’s paying bills, going on a vacation or even buying a new puppy. I will find a way. People laugh at me and ask if there is anything that I can’t do…the answer is yes. I can’t do math. Don’t even ask me to try. It’s an ugly, horrible mess. Math and I are not friends. I can spray tan people, take mediocre pictures, write halfway decent blogs, cook awesome food (yes I will brag about that), paint and refinish furniture, hang Christmas lights, fix household items, give animals shots, raise puppies, raise kids, raise a husband…kind of, he is proving to be more difficult than the kids, oh and raise chickens, garden, make my own butters and milks…I’m also pretty sure I would be a great farmer. On my list of things to learn are, knit, sew, climb a mountain, swim with sharks, skydive, learn to build things (ie chicken coops), figure out how to keep my pool from looking like a swamp, tame an alligator to keep in the swamp if not. At the top of my list is how to finally stand up for myself. How to stop being soft, and start wearing that armor. How to finally accept that I deserve to be happy and nothing and no one should hold me back from that.
Relationships are a part of life, and life is hard. Somedays it seems like we are riding the waves, other days it feels like we are drowning, struggling to make it to the surface, just to catch a breath. And when we do surface, we are so worn out, so tired from the fight to make it back to the top, that we just don’t know how to get back on top of that wave again, or if we even want to try. Do I want to keep trying? Or do I want to search for a more peaceful wave, one that I am confident on, that I know that I won’t fall off, or at least if I do, I won’t sink to the bottom.
This is one of those posts that don’t really address anything, or explain anything. This is just my rants, a way to somewhat express what I feel today…you know so that in 5 years I can look back and say “wow, look 5 years ago I felt like that” and hopefully in 5 years I’m happy that I don’t feel like I’m constantly sinking, and rushing my way back to the surface.