It’s Been Awhile

I have been struggling…trying to find the words. Lately I get stuck, there are too many distractions and too many noises going on around me. These things normally don’t bother me, but everything just seems SO LOUD lately. Life seems loud. The constant nagging of the bills that need paid, that haven’t been paid, that may not get paid. The constant fear of not having a job, not being able to contribute to my family’s financial needs and the sound of my rapidly growing kids, the change in my son’s voice and the sweet sound of my daughter’s asking for my attention. Life is loud and noisy and annoying and beautiful all at once. I strive to shut out all of it except the beautiful, but some days it’s hard.
I feel like a failure. In all actuality I am a dreamer. A hopeless dreamer at times. I don’t see a wall that is blocking my way, I see a wall that I need to figure out how to climb. I don’t see a door that is closed, I see a door that I’m not supposed to even enter in the first place, I don’t see obstacles, I see challenges. I approach these things in my life and try to overcome them, so many times though, things do not go as I have dreamt. I have recently seen failure after failure and I start to feel that something is cursed or wrong…I know that this is Satan talking but sometimes it’s so hard not to turn my head and listen, try and find out if I can see where I went wrong.
A very good friend told me tonight that “I need to have fewer expectations and be flexible when the path changes a little”, I think that is where I have an issue. I see things one way or the other and when things don’t work out like I planned, I just stop and say “on to the next project…”, sometimes not knowing what the next project is or why.
I dream. I dream HUGE, not big, think colossal, gigantic, major… I just don’t take no for an answer. I don’t think my dreams are out of reach, I see them as feasible, I don’t want to be a millionaire, I don’t want 4 Coach purses, and designer shoes and diamond rings, I don’t care about fancy furniture or decorations, I don’t need a new car…and just for the record, my current one has no ac and no radio! I just want to provide for my family without worrying about buying groceries to feed them. I am constantly trying to find ways to help out, I love to cook, so I post pictures and cook for friends when I can. I feel very strongly about skin cancer and protection so I have my airbrush tanning business, I decided to learn the art of macarons so I’ve done that some. I am a repurpose junk, junky…you give it to me, I will make it new. This is how I work, this is who I am. And let us not forget the animals and garden, I live in the wrong time…I would and could live on a farm and off the land, sustainability and homesteading have my name all over them!
This all leads me to where I am tonight. A lot of friends have asked me for recipes lately, even strangers on Instagram. I have struggled with how to answer this, as I don’t want to appear rude. So here it is. I am writing. I am doing what I know and I am writing and cooking. THIS is my passion, this is my calling and what God has in plan for me, I can’t explain it but I feel it in the depths of my heart and soul. I have been scared. Writing is the most natural thing to me, I have so many friends and family members that have told me over the years that I am a great writer. Since high school I have written…and yet it never dawned on me that I was good enough to write for you, or for anyone. So, tonight, I asked myself…how do I do this? I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to look like I’m on yet another one of “Kim’s things”…I want this to work, I want this to be successful, I want this to make my family proud. How to do I start writing? And it came to me, by writing about writing, of course.
So hold on friends and family…if you will stand beside me and support me, I WILL share my recipes with you… as well as many other surprises. I just need you to believe in me, so that I might be able to really believe in myself. Love you all!

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