Sometimes I get so tired of pretending not to be tired…not to be completely drained and exhausted and weary and confused and just plain wiped out. Lately I am trying really hard to be upbeat and strong and optimistic and hopeful, always, always, hopeful. But. I’m tired. I believe with all my heart that God has so much more for me in His plans, for my family. I look at my strong, amazing, faithful husband and my heart swells. I know He has plans for him too. But. I’m tired. I look at my healthy, vibrant, beautiful children and I know that His plans for them will exceed anything that I can hope for. But. I am tired.
We struggle, not in the sense that so many others do, but we struggle just the same. Finances are the root of all evil and sometimes it seems that no matter how hard we work, we just can not seem to catch up. If I had it my way, we wouldn’t need money at all…we would just live and love and not worry about how much everything costs. Because everything does cost, and not just in the monetary sense. My working, 2+ jobs costs me time with my family, and it costs me my health as well…I know that I am pushing it and that my blood pressure is probably off of the charts…but still I keep going. Sometimes, I just want to be still. I want to be so still that the earth shakes and clarity comes and I see what it is that I am supposed to do, yet, I do not know how to be that still. Chaos surrounds me, and I keep moving. Maybe that is my problem, maybe I try too hard to do too much? Maybe sitting in complete and utter silence will enlighten me, maybe I will finally be able to hear what it is He wants me to?
“Your treasure – your perfection – is within you already. But to claim
it, you must leave the busy commotion of the mind and abandon the
desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.” Eat, Pray, Love
I just do not know how to do it though, every time I try…I become scared. I feel like I have to keep trying to make things right and fix things…I do not know how to just listen. So, I keep moving. Maybe I need someone to come hold me down. Or better yet, maybe this weight will finally anchor me and I will be forced to just stop and be still. And then, when the time is right and He tells me, I will move and this time perhaps I CAN finally move mountains and achieve all the dreams that I have for my family and myself. It’s feeling pretty heavy, so I must be getting closer…and Lord, I am ready, I am ready for you to hold me down and fill me with your love and then lift this weight off of me and lead me on the journey that you have designed and not the one that I keep trying to trudge through.